that it has been over two months since I last wrote to the both of you. Time just continues to flow by and I with it. Christmas has come and gone and I did have an experience which was so nice. When I was at Bob's shortly before Christmas, I met another of his patients, a nice man, very upbeat and thoughtful. I say thoughtful because while we were talking he said he wished he had a Christmas present to give me....and then all of a sudden he said - "I do!" When I went in again he had left it with the girls at the desk. So pretty, in a red bag with a large red bow. I was, of course, blown away. But I was also filled with much gratitude. He didn't know it but that was the only gift I received. They (in the office) asked if I was going to open it and I said - No! this is the only Christmas gift I've received and I'm waiting till the right day to open it. There is a picture of it so beautifully wrapped in the gallery. So lovely. Anyway, he didn't know me from a bucket of beets and yet, in the package was a beautiful sea green candle in a brown teak holder. Too pretty to burn even...and he didn't know that I'm a candle freak. Also, there was a medallion on a leather 'string' to go around one's neck and it says: New Beginnings - Blessing Ring on one side and Trust and Believe on the other side. I couldn't have needed anything more. It was so apropos. Needless to say, I was and am thrilled that a perfect stranger, seemingly out of nowhere, gave me a gift that I'll not ever forget. His kindness and his 'on target' gifts are ones you (I) don't often receive but I did this time and I am humbled by such a gesture. So, Angela and Shawn I just thought I would share with you a 'magical' happening - which is so very rare in today's world. I had been very down but that raised me up and happily so.
I do wish for that penny to drop or a bell to jingle that would let me know the two of you are near. But I'll wait patiently and one day it will happen.
This then, is what I wanted to share with you both and I know that you will be as happy as I am for such an unusual happening.
'Bye for now, I love you both,

Your Mama

a bit of an 'awful' while! I keep asking myself what am I doing wrong, am I sabotaging myself? If so, how and why? I cannot seem to move forward, I keep slipping further down the tunnel and wondering how I managed to get into all of this mess! But more importantly, how do I get out of it! I pray, oh, how I pray to lead me, show me and yes, help me. As I said, my situation just continually goes awry and I stare in wonder how does this happen. I give, and I try to help whomever needs it and (as Laurel said) I keep coming out looking like the bad guy. And I'm tired...just plain weary of it all. I keep thinking that I'll awaken and everything will be 'straight'...so far it hasn't happened. I know there are answers, I just haven't found them yet. Maybe I am not listening 'hard' enough...I'm not expecting a miracle, altho' Lord knows, I need one, but just some respite, some peace of mind from what I see as an insurrmountable situation.
At the moment...strange, I can think of no ending for this.

to write again. Of my deep depression.... even though I feel unbound in some way,....and, of my indecision.... even though I know that at some time one will be made! I am alone, but that is not so different than what I have experienced the majority of my (younger) life. Do I like it?? Yes, most of the time, but no, not all of the time. A dichotomy you say?? Yes, I suppose it is...hence the indecision as well as the depression. I've been here before but was better able to handle it...age, I suppose, has taken its toll, in that it is difficult to do everything which must be done simply on a daily basis. A problem I am unfamiliar with and just didn't see coming at me faster than that proverbial 'speeding' bullet. I do know 'who' I am, my dilemma rests with 'why' I am. I think the both of you, Shawn and Angela, struggled with this as well and I understand it. Your journals speak of this Angela and Shawn you verbally spoke of it...what you didn't know, nor do your siblings, is that I struggle with it on a daily, no, hourly basis. I'm sure this is not an uniqueness unto myself...many, no doubt, have much the same type of thoughts...if they are a 'thinking' person that is! I suppose that the two of you finally have your answer, I have yet to get there. As we know, Friday, the 14th, is my birthday and the only reason I mention it is because I truly did not ever see myself reaching this age. I used to ponder the fact of whether I would even be alive in the year 2000 but for whatever reason, the good Lord has deigned to keep me here...for what? Well, we are now back to square one...the 'why' of it all. I don't believe there is an answer, anymore than there was for you two but now, I feel sure you know and are also quite pleased with the results. Would that it could be so for myself! I do know that there is something staring me in the face, an idea, maybe? But not one that I truly feel right, or good about...and perhaps that in itself is going to be my answer. Whatever it is, wherever it takes me, then, and only then shall I know, just as I feel the two of you now understand the 'why' for yourselves. And so, these are my thoughts for this night, for this moment, and I thought I would share them with you and perhaps, just perhaps, I'll become really fortunate and discover my 'why'.
Goodnight to the both of you, and if anyone understands all of this it will be only you two...and perhaps also, will help me with the discovery of my 'truth', my 'why'.
My love to you,
Your Mama

Since I have last written to the two of you but this one will be the culmination of many months, days, hours of thought and wonderment. I have come to terms with having lost the both of you. That doesn't mean that "I am over it", I shall not ever get over it but I have accepted it and am now seeing that I was just so blessed to have the two of you for the time that the good Lord gave us. Now....about my life at this point: I am coming to the realization that I must 'row' my own boat. That there is no one 'out there' on whom I can rely. So, I am going to make some changes, I'm going to pull back into the 'real' me. What does that mean?? I no longer shall allow others to take advantage of my generosity, kindness and overall 'just wanting to help'! I have taken a good, long observation of 'me' and do not like what I've seen this 'me' doing for the past ten years! Now, it stops....now I have the God-given strength to say 'enough already' and to mean it! It has taken me a lifetime to come to this but here I am. And Oh! what a relief as well as a release. It feels as though I have been let out from bondage - from this daily nightmare and.... it feels FREE!!! (Thank you Martin Luther King!) At least I feel free and it has taken much too long to arrive at this point, but hey, it's better than not ever having come to this place and decide - for myself - the life that I wish to live, without takers, without tears, without regrets. And so, today, really is the 'first' day of my life.
So wish me well you two, you are in the 'perfect place' to do this and I know that you are spurring me on with good thoughts and wishes. Your sister, Carmen, has been my rock and I thank God for her and, I know that she is behind me 100% and that's good enough for me! And Angela, I want to give you a special 'thank you' for having lightened her load....I know how hard you worked for what you gave to her and believe me, she will use it wisely and well.
And so, my dears...this is my declaration of independence and I just wanted to let you know that your Mother has finally, come out of the dark and into the light. Praise God! Or as you began each page of your journals, Angela, with "Thanks be to God" - I now end this with echoing your words and I thank the both of you for having graced my life for the short time that you were allowed to be here.
I love you both and I know that you are with me all the way!
Your Mama

It is I, your Mother, once again with a story I would rather not tell but feel that I must because once told I can move on and hopefully move past it. I went to Andrea's wedding in So. Lake Tahoe last weekend, and the wedding itself was very nice. Andrea looked so pretty and she married a very nice man named Cal. It was the first time I have met him. But something happened after the wedding, something I have examined and come to the conclusion that, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it! I'm not even sure I can write about it...not only from the shock but just by mere virtue of the fact that out of five children I have only one who truly cares about me. And further...I have concluded that one is fine and certainly better than none. But I admit it was quite an overt lesson and one I would rather not have experienced. I am saddened by it but at least now am informed of what I already knew but didn't admit to myself. I debated with myself about even writing it but my friend, Laurel, wrote a post which I read just a while ago and it was the impetus for me to put it down and get it out, and so it is.
Andrea had planned a boat trip on Lake Tahoe after the wedding for all of us but I elected not to go, for my own reasons. Nothing to do with the people in attendance just my own personal preference of not getting on boats. As I now know, the youngest of you five, who has a tendency to drink too much and is very self-absorbed, began her diatribe about you Angela leaving all of your worldly goods to Carmen (the one who DOES care about me) and nothing to her. My remark when told this was about Angela's dog, Daisy, who was all she had, and when she went to visit the younger sister (who incidentally lives 45 minutes from me) her husband said that Daisy had to be put in the garage. And that's when you, Angela, put your things in the car and drove right back here to my house. And I didn't blame you one little bit!! The very idea that you were asked (told?) to do that made you angry, as well it should have, and I agreed with you. But he's another story one in which I have no interest in writing about either now or later! But it wasn't enough that it was brought out that you left it all to Carmen for which I am truly grateful, as is she, the next step was and I quote, "Have I been taken out of the will?" Angrily said I might add. My first response upon hearing this was, I'm not dead yet so back off because she just revealed her self centered self!! And yes, I intentionally wrote self twice! At any rate, this girl (she's only a woman by age not by growth) who has done little to nothing for me for the past ten years since Don died, is demanding to know if she has been "taken out of the will!" Now just how sickening is that?? Carmen tried to explain but was called an f.....g bitch, Carmen who dearly loves your sister was totally taken aback. As was I when I heard this. And apparently she was so loud that all on the boat heard it as well. Now....the worst part of this is that, it was done at Andrea's wedding party. I had a difficult time digesting that part of it. At any rate, it is no one's business what my will reads and if they choose to make it their business, they should ask me!!! But this is only the tip of the ole iceberg as the adage goes but it was quite enough to tip me right over the edge and also, to discover the true nature of the youngest sibling. So Angela and Shawn, this is only part of the story but it's enough to let you know I refuse to play the victim (thank you, Laurel) and from this time forward, I don't really have to give it any more thought. I am now able to see the picture much more clearly and to also understand the role I shall now play in this drama of life. It is sad, I must confess, but it does not need to stay sad, at least not for me. I'm always better when I know where others stand - the truth is what I have wanted all my life, I can only deal with facts, not role playing! And now it seems...the facts are in, this juror of one may now make an informed decision and at this point, it doesn't get any better than that.
So, enough of this - I am still praying that the two of you are content and certainly much happier with where you are now and one day I'll join you and all this shall be far behind me....us, and we can all share our happiness being in the hands of God. Interestingly, this is a long post and only touches the surface but that's all it needs to do and I have now laid it to rest.
Goodnight to the both of you, just know that I love each one of you and pray for your souls to rest easy, and one day I'll be there with you.
Your Mother