I was finally able to get over to Fernley and see your marker. It is beautiful and Ruth had the etching of the Lion laying down with the Lamb, signifying peace for you...at last. So befitting and a wise choice by her. I took roses and put them in the vase that is there. It is such a lovely serene place, where you are and I felt that you are content with your 'life' now, at last. I suppose it could be said that, only in death are you content in life. Life was such a struggle for you, but you would just 'get back up on your horse' and ride again. Finally God decided you needed to come home and so you did. I keep waiting, watching, listening for something from you...Ruth hears the truck every so often and Roper seems to know that it's you also. I'm waiting for some sign - and eventually I know it will come. Or maybe I'm not listening hard enough but I'm trying. For some reason I have been having, what the Dr. refers to as 'extreme anxiety' attacks. A first for me and the very first one came shortly after you called me in early May, 2005, to tell me you finally had peace and contentment in your life for the first time. I believe that I 'knew' what was in the offing and rather than acknowledge it allowed a panic attack to occur...all unconsciously, of course. There have been about 5 of them since and they really are debilitating as well as frightful, I am almost unable to function when they come over me. I think that's why I may need some sign from you, something that quells these awful attacks. In the meantime I just try and struggle through them but it is difficult. At least now when someone tells me they have had a panic attack, I can relate. Prior to that I wasn't sure what they were. So the main reason for this message is just for you to know that I did go and see 'you' and it was as if 'you' were making it happen because it was a spontaneous thing, not planned at all.
So, goodnight my little Shawnie...I still miss you but I am trying to learn and overcome the deep sadness that prevails. I shall write again when there is - hopefully - some 'good' news to relay to you.
I love you,
Your Mama