Since I have last written to the two of you but this one will be the culmination of many months, days, hours of thought and wonderment. I have come to terms with having lost the both of you. That doesn't mean that "I am over it", I shall not ever get over it but I have accepted it and am now seeing that I was just so blessed to have the two of you for the time that the good Lord gave us. Now....about my life at this point: I am coming to the realization that I must 'row' my own boat. That there is no one 'out there' on whom I can rely. So, I am going to make some changes, I'm going to pull back into the 'real' me. What does that mean?? I no longer shall allow others to take advantage of my generosity, kindness and overall 'just wanting to help'! I have taken a good, long observation of 'me' and do not like what I've seen this 'me' doing for the past ten years! Now, it stops....now I have the God-given strength to say 'enough already' and to mean it! It has taken me a lifetime to come to this but here I am. And Oh! what a relief as well as a release. It feels as though I have been let out from bondage - from this daily nightmare and.... it feels FREE!!! (Thank you Martin Luther King!) At least I feel free and it has taken much too long to arrive at this point, but hey, it's better than not ever having come to this place and decide - for myself - the life that I wish to live, without takers, without tears, without regrets. And so, today, really is the 'first' day of my life.
So wish me well you two, you are in the 'perfect place' to do this and I know that you are spurring me on with good thoughts and wishes. Your sister, Carmen, has been my rock and I thank God for her and, I know that she is behind me 100% and that's good enough for me! And Angela, I want to give you a special 'thank you' for having lightened her load....I know how hard you worked for what you gave to her and believe me, she will use it wisely and well.
And so, my dears...this is my declaration of independence and I just wanted to let you know that your Mother has finally, come out of the dark and into the light. Praise God! Or as you began each page of your journals, Angela, with "Thanks be to God" - I now end this with echoing your words and I thank the both of you for having graced my life for the short time that you were allowed to be here.
I love you both and I know that you are with me all the way!
Your Mama