to write again. Of my deep depression.... even though I feel unbound in some way,....and, of my indecision.... even though I know that at some time one will be made! I am alone, but that is not so different than what I have experienced the majority of my (younger) life. Do I like it?? Yes, most of the time, but no, not all of the time. A dichotomy you say?? Yes, I suppose it is...hence the indecision as well as the depression. I've been here before but was better able to handle it...age, I suppose, has taken its toll, in that it is difficult to do everything which must be done simply on a daily basis. A problem I am unfamiliar with and just didn't see coming at me faster than that proverbial 'speeding' bullet. I do know 'who' I am, my dilemma rests with 'why' I am. I think the both of you, Shawn and Angela, struggled with this as well and I understand it. Your journals speak of this Angela and Shawn you verbally spoke of it...what you didn't know, nor do your siblings, is that I struggle with it on a daily, no, hourly basis. I'm sure this is not an uniqueness unto myself...many, no doubt, have much the same type of thoughts...if they are a 'thinking' person that is! I suppose that the two of you finally have your answer, I have yet to get there. As we know, Friday, the 14th, is my birthday and the only reason I mention it is because I truly did not ever see myself reaching this age. I used to ponder the fact of whether I would even be alive in the year 2000 but for whatever reason, the good Lord has deigned to keep me here...for what? Well, we are now back to square one...the 'why' of it all. I don't believe there is an answer, anymore than there was for you two but now, I feel sure you know and are also quite pleased with the results. Would that it could be so for myself! I do know that there is something staring me in the face, an idea, maybe? But not one that I truly feel right, or good about...and perhaps that in itself is going to be my answer. Whatever it is, wherever it takes me, then, and only then shall I know, just as I feel the two of you now understand the 'why' for yourselves. And so, these are my thoughts for this night, for this moment, and I thought I would share them with you and perhaps, just perhaps, I'll become really fortunate and discover my 'why'.
Goodnight to the both of you, and if anyone understands all of this it will be only you two...and perhaps also, will help me with the discovery of my 'truth', my 'why'.
My love to you,
Your Mama