Hi Shawn, I came on your birthday and on Memorial day and every month since you died. I didn't realize that your mom was still blogging-very nice thoughts and lots of love expressed. I wish you were here to be part of the life I'm in now. I just gave the boys your jeans. They almost fit but aren't doing me any good as I can't wear them now.Jesse just this past month got your lunch box. I told him he can go fishing with it.He promised to take care of it!
So much has happened since you died I can't believe it. Still here just not kicking as high as I once did!
Not interested in dating and have not. I have gone to dinner a few times and thats enough. I really don't want to be open to the hurt that happens when the end comes which one way or the other seems to happen.
So I got another dog shes pretty. A golden cocker which you would enjoy immensely. She was Zacks daughters dog and I had to bail her out of dog prison cause Zacks a idiot and put her in the pound.
I love you Spaldo. UR wife.

it has been two years since you left us. Little did I know then that I would be writing, not only to you, but to your sister, Angela, who left us on April 12, 2007, as well.
It is a beautiful sunny day and I am not allowing the darkness from losing the two of you to obscure the sun. But regardless, I miss you both so much. I am still trying to come to terms with this realization, but it is difficult. The one thought that does sustain me is that the two of you are together and perhaps better friends than you were when here in this realm. Angela, I would have so liked being able to penetrate the cocoon in which you placed yourself, but it wasn't to be until, I believe, when I called you in the hospital and even though you were unable to respond due to the tubes and ventilator helping you to breath, the nurse very kindly placed the phone next to your ear and for five minutes I was able to tell you that I loved you. That I was only 18 when you were born and that we were the best little friends for three years until Shawn was born and then the others one after the other. And due to nothing more than necessity from a lack of time, you grew apart from me. I am able to understand that but I was and am very sorry that it happened in the way that it did. But I was so happy to be able to tell you these things just 14 hours before you left us. You ask Carmen if I had called because you weren't sure if you had dreamt it or it had actually happened. She said, yes, I had called you and you wanted to know what I said...she told you and she said that you laid your head back on the pillow, closed your eyes and smiled. That, my dear little Angela, was all I needed to know that finally the bridge had been gapped and once again, we were friends. I think of you and Shawn, the two oldest of the five of you and I no longer ask why but I do miss you both tremendously. You were my first born, Angela, and the light of my life which is something that stays with me even though you are gone. Just know, the both of you, that I and your sisters still love you very much and miss you even though as we try to understand through our tears that you both are in a better place and are far happier where you are now.
So, on this day the 2nd anniversary of Shawn's leaving, I just wanted the both of you to know my thoughts. I pray for you both and yes, I am still looking for a sign that will tell me that you two are smiling and glad to be where you are.
I love you both...
Your Mama

Shawn, that I began this blog on Angela's birthday, Dec. 6th and it was rather a shock to see that. How strange that of 365 days, I chose her birthday to begin writing to you. I hope it wasn't a portent but, stranger things have happened, I suppose.
So, I wanted you to know this because I just now learned it. And Angela, if you are reading with Shawn, then you must know that I loved you, unconditionally, and still do.
Your Mama

Shawn, as I write this. I am sure you already know that your sister Angela died this past week on April 12 in Glenwood Springs, CO, where she had lived for the past 25 years. I am beyond grief, first you left so suddenly and now Angela, just as sudden. There are no words to convey the deep, deep pain that is within. I do know that you two are together and perhaps friends, once again, as you were when you were small children. As your sister, Carolyn said through her tears, "Mom there were FIVE of us and now there are only three" and I had thought the same just moments before she said it. I will not be able to write much now, the pain is just too difficult. But I shall now call this blog "Songs of Shawn and Angela". I am doing my very best to try and understand how a Mother can lose two of her children in less than two years. I have to say that, at the moment, I find it totally unfathomable. Dear little Angela, such a private person and harboring her pain, her life, for all those years. Perhaps now she, as you, have found the peace that both of you sought for so many years on this earth. I choose to believe this because I do not think I could hold together if I were to believe any differently. I treasure the comfort and prayers given by my friends and especially from Laurel whom I met through her blog. She has followed along on this, your 'song' since it began and therefore she knows the deep pain that I have written on your leaving us. I must quit for now, Shawn, please tell Angela hello for me and that I always loved her just as I have you.
I love you,
Your Mama

and even though I don't feel like writing...really, I want you to know that I'm thinking of you. Sorry to say that I've kind'a slipped back into a bit of a downer, but it's temporary, at least I hope it is. I believe what I really want to know is how does one stop being "too nice" and still can be "just nice"? I've had three people in the last week tell me that I'm too nice....and that's why (one reason) I get taken all the time, which I am very tired of having happen. Also, I wrote your four sisters an e-mail...it was mainly directed at two of them, you know which ones! Just as I once wrote you a letter telling you how I felt and what I thought after you had spouted off to Mickey some very negative things you thought about me. I told you to 'grow up' and basically to not ever speak my name again. You called and apologized but I didn't answer the phone to you for a long time. It comes down to being tired of the 'nicety' within and then being put down...enough, already!! So, I heard from the two that it wasn't directed at but, of course, the other two are caught up in their own milieu of themselves and don't know beans when the bag is open. But then, one day...their time will arrive and hopefully, they will ask themselves just what the heck was the matter with them!! Well, one can hope anyway!! But everyone has to come to their own reckoning in their own time and I felt better after writing to them! I have the feeling that this is a very disconnected post, but then, at the moment, that's how I feel...disconnected! At least spring is here and the flowers are beautiful and I'm trying to make the lawn look full again. You know, Shawn, I really do wonder what it's like being where you are. Sometimes when I imagine it, a 'scariness' envelopes me...at other times, a great sense of peace lays over me like a soft blanket....I suppose I'll find out in the not too distant future, I do hope and pray it is the latter one. Did I say at the beginning of this that I didn't have much to write about?? Actually, there is so much, if I don't quit soon I shall have a complete book written. But Shawn, I'm tired, probably as you were not long before you left. I think of your phone call two weeks before and how nice you sounded when you told me that you were more content and felt more peaceful than you had in your entire life. Also, that you were happy. That's when I 'knew' but didn't want to 'know'. Life is strange, just when one thinks they have it pretty much figured out, it seems to become entangled once again. Went to Baldinis for two days, decided I would try them one last time. I had a panic attack (again!) though and determined that it had to do with knowing that I wasn't going to go back there and that's where you and I had so much fun. Anyway, I hate those panic attacks. Strange, had not ever had one till shortly after you died and I've had about six now. They are terrible!! But at least I can certainly have empathy for anyone who has them, before now, I could only sympathize. I just wish they would go away. So, here's this 'short' post I said that I was going to write, but seems as though it turned into an epilogue! I cannot think of a 'good' ending for this - so I'll just say,
I love you, Shawnie