and even though I don't feel like writing...really, I want you to know that I'm thinking of you. Sorry to say that I've kind'a slipped back into a bit of a downer, but it's temporary, at least I hope it is. I believe what I really want to know is how does one stop being "too nice" and still can be "just nice"? I've had three people in the last week tell me that I'm too nice....and that's why (one reason) I get taken all the time, which I am very tired of having happen. Also, I wrote your four sisters an e-mail...it was mainly directed at two of them, you know which ones! Just as I once wrote you a letter telling you how I felt and what I thought after you had spouted off to Mickey some very negative things you thought about me. I told you to 'grow up' and basically to not ever speak my name again. You called and apologized but I didn't answer the phone to you for a long time. It comes down to being tired of the 'nicety' within and then being put down...enough, already!! So, I heard from the two that it wasn't directed at but, of course, the other two are caught up in their own milieu of themselves and don't know beans when the bag is open. But then, one day...their time will arrive and hopefully, they will ask themselves just what the heck was the matter with them!! Well, one can hope anyway!! But everyone has to come to their own reckoning in their own time and I felt better after writing to them! I have the feeling that this is a very disconnected post, but then, at the moment, that's how I feel...disconnected! At least spring is here and the flowers are beautiful and I'm trying to make the lawn look full again. You know, Shawn, I really do wonder what it's like being where you are. Sometimes when I imagine it, a 'scariness' envelopes me...at other times, a great sense of peace lays over me like a soft blanket....I suppose I'll find out in the not too distant future, I do hope and pray it is the latter one. Did I say at the beginning of this that I didn't have much to write about?? Actually, there is so much, if I don't quit soon I shall have a complete book written. But Shawn, I'm tired, probably as you were not long before you left. I think of your phone call two weeks before and how nice you sounded when you told me that you were more content and felt more peaceful than you had in your entire life. Also, that you were happy. That's when I 'knew' but didn't want to 'know'. Life is strange, just when one thinks they have it pretty much figured out, it seems to become entangled once again. Went to Baldinis for two days, decided I would try them one last time. I had a panic attack (again!) though and determined that it had to do with knowing that I wasn't going to go back there and that's where you and I had so much fun. Anyway, I hate those panic attacks. Strange, had not ever had one till shortly after you died and I've had about six now. They are terrible!! But at least I can certainly have empathy for anyone who has them, before now, I could only sympathize. I just wish they would go away. So, here's this 'short' post I said that I was going to write, but seems as though it turned into an epilogue! I cannot think of a 'good' ending for this - so I'll just say,
I love you, Shawnie